I survived my first
day back in class, but barely. I was bedridden for a full two and a half days
with migraine, severe musculoskeletal pain, neurological stupor (brain fog),
widespread inflammation, and tinnitus. My whole body felt like it was on fire for
days and I was not particularly functional on the third day. Le sigh.
Unfortunately, I was already ill by the time I arrived at school because there
is so much construction in the downtown core. I had to pass by three major
construction sites just to get to school. Apparently, my mask is not enough for
the pollution of my city during construction season. I have been putting off
buying a vapour mask for the last two years, but I think that the time has
finally come.
The building was
clearly recently cleaned because the hallways smelled like cleaning products,
but there had been no smudging ceremonies in the building that morning. The two
EL Foust air purifiers that the school purchased were running in the classroom
by the time I arrived, which was great to see. The school had also purchased the markers that I suggested. No one seemed to be overly scented in the
classroom – just the standard laundry soap and deodorant concoction.
I haven’t been in a
classroom since last Spring at this time. During the Fall term, I was
completing a practicum from home and during the Winter term, I was completing
an online course. I am taking a mandatory data analysis class and I have to
attend in person as a large portion of the class is a computer lab. I
have been planning for this course for months and trying to figure out the best
accommodations. I have mild Electromagnetic Field
(EMF) sensitivity and am also extremely sensitive to the pollution put out by
electronics and other appliances. Many ES/MCS folks are also extremely EMF hyper-sensitive and cannot be near wifi or
computers or cell phones at all. I do not want to develop that!
Spring classes are
FOUR HOURS LONG and very intensive. After about 2 hours, laptops were passed
out to everyone and I really started to fade and caught myself staring out the
window. My brain function was low and my heart was palpitating. Computers are
most problematic for me when they run hot, but the ones in the classroom seemed
to be relatively ok. I was
struggling to follow what the instructor was saying, but I am familiar with the
software program (SPSS) so I didn’t feel too lost. Despite the fact that I was
fading, I really wanted/needed to stay in the class to see how things would go
since this is a mandatory class and all assignments have to be completed during
class time.
I have the option to
work in my Advisor’s office and Skype into class, but the instructor has made
it very clear that is not the best option. Obviously, being in class is the
best option and I really needed to get a sense of how it would go and what
recovery would look like in order to determine whether or not it is feasible
for me at all. At the 3.5 hour point, someone came into the classroom to administer
a survey to the class (to create a data set for our class to analyze) and the
person was fully cologned. Like FULLY. Like as if the person was heading
out to a dance club or on a date, rather than to a classroom. This took me over
the edge. Other people noticed this too and some of my classmates emailed
me about it. We don’t know how to call people out when they enter spaces that
are meant to be safe for the chemically sensitive. The preliminary results of
my thesis research also confirm this!
I am really healthy
right now because I haven’t been having regular exposures for almost a year and
I have been actively engaged in both treatment and recovery protocols. The
reality is that when I leave my house, I end up sick most of the time. For me
it comes down to HOW sick I am going to be and how LONG it will last.
Four hour classes during the Spring intersession are so intense, but the
upside is that the course is only 9 weeks! The other upside is that smudging
doesn’t happen regularly in the Spring term and there are fewer visitors in the
building in general. Additionally, because all the assignments have to be
completed in the classroom, I won’t have to use my brain when I am not in
class, so I have more space for recovery. The downside of completing assignments
in the classroom is that if I don’t have brain function in the classroom, how I
can complete the assignments successfully?!
I have to engage in
risk assessment related to the exposures of daily life. It is hard to determine
exactly what made me so sick that first day back. I leave my house at level 0
and things just start to go up from there. The walk to school, the cleaning
products in the hallway and bathroom, the student’s scented products, the
electronic pollution, the wifi, the cologne and then the walk home...etc. I am
unable to pin point exactly what took me down so hard.
I have to share how happy I felt to be in a
classroom! It means so much to me to be able to meet with my colleagues and be
present. I feel so distanced from my educational experience and have been very
isolated from my peers and all of the peripheral learning that takes place
informally in an academic environment. I just wish that things were
different and that going to school didn’t result in me being so ill. I wish that
I could be in the classroom and have my full brain function so that I could
engage with others in a meaningful way. Instead, I am in a neurological haze
and my words don’t match up with my thoughts and brain sort of slips in and out
of darkness and fog.
My plan for this week
is to come to class at least an hour early, so that I have some time to recover
from my walk BEFORE class begins. Ugh. That will mean 5 HOURS in the classroom!
It seems that the air purifiers work very well after the other students settle
in and the door to the classroom is closed. They are sort of loud and create
another level of vibration that is somewhat challenging for me.
I am
extremely privileged to have safe housing where I can recover from
exposures and for this I am eternally grateful. There are so many people with
ES/MCS who do not have safe housing and therefore cannot recover or get better
after exposures. It is a really huge problem within our communities.
Links
EL Foust: http://www.foustco.com/
Eco-Smart Markers: http://www.ecosmartworld.com/
CERA - Centre for Equality Rights in Accommodation: http://www.equalityrights.org/cera/?page_id=674
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