Computer Trouble

I am now in the last term of my graduate program and really feeling the stress of looming deadlines. I don’t have the capacity to push myself, there is nothing more to push. My body not only protests, it also revolts! There is no option to push through, work harder, do more, suck it up…
I must be ready to submit my thesis for review by the end of this month, so it all needs to start coming together now! I really got off track with my project this summer when I lost tolerance to the computer that has been safe for me throughout my program. Something went wrong with the machine during the heatwaves and since then, it just runs hot all the time. The heat from the machine off gasses a fume that sets off my reactions. I spent the majority of my summer trying to find alternatives and experimenting with various borrowed laptops, and being sick from experimenting. Seriously. That is how I spent my summer. I finally settled into something that was working for me in the fall term, but that involved working outside in my three season room. Now that it is winter, it is not an option to work out there. Moving inside to work on a computer that makes me sick has been a bit of a nightmare actually. Losing tolerance to computers puts so much of what I CAN do, at risk. I use the computer to communicate, hold video conferences, write papers, write letters, read journal articles and books, attend classes and appointments. It is the tool that has allowed me to continue to be connected to the community, and to make a living. It has been heartbreaking for me to lose tolerance to it and it has made finishing my project very complicated and overwhelming. And now facing deadlines…
Oy!
You just can’t imagine (unless you live with this!)
My partner, who provides a great deal of both tangible and emotional support for me will be away during the month of January due to a family emergency. This means that I will working through this month, getting sick on the computer, and also having to manage our household alone. Luckily, I have amazing people in my life who are willing to help pick up groceries, run errands, do the shovelling, which will make a huge difference for me. I am extremely privileged to have that. Many people with ES/MCS do not have that, or some have had it in the past, but slowly lost their supportive community over the years. I recognize my priviledge in having a partner.
It has been a challenging time and will continue to be a challenging time. I could really use some extra support, boosts of confidence, love, and validation right now because I am not even actually sure I can do this thing that needs to be done.
The last 50 yards are always the hardest, I know – but this feels almost impossible. I am trying to be open to the prospect of failure and convincing myself that failure is a valid option, and so is “good enough”.
I am so ready to be moving forward. This year, I will need to continue to explore computers that I might be able to tolerate, or I will need to just give it up entirely. In some moments I feel relieved at the prospects of living my life without a computer, and other moments I feel horrified. My body really just needs a break from computers and maybe once all of this is done, my body will recover from these exposures and I will be able to continue use the computer as my access tool again in the future. That is my hope.
In the meantime, I need to buckle down and flesh out my chapters, manage my health, and maintain my nutrition. I need to work extra hard to take care of myself and listen carefully to what my body has to tell me. This will pass. My partner will return. I will finish this project and it will be ‘good enough’. I will not have to pay for an addional tuition and all of this will be behind me by spring!
I hope.